Lessons from Mt. Rushmore

Several weeks ago, rather abruptly, I decided to take the kids out of school a week early and embark upon a lengthy road trip. Jeff would fly down and meet us in Kansas at his family's place when his busiest work season was over. On the drive home, an easier journey with Jeff driving too, we had the privilege of stopping at several US landmarks, one of which was Mount Rushmore.

Driving up to the monument is an experience in itself. As you round the corner of a windy road, there it is, in plain sight. And it is breathtaking. To see the actual sculpture and it's beauty brought tears to my eyes. I loved reading the stories behind all four presidents and the reasons why their faces were chosen to grace this national monument.

I also loved reading the quotes from the sculptors and artists themselves. It was fascinating to hear many endearing stories about these men as they worked to mold one of the most visited monuments in the USA. This quote, in particular, from Gutson Borglum, impressed me:

"This is the work that I love the most, this intimate contact with the four men. As I become engrossed in the features and personality of each man, I feel myself growing in stature, just as they did when their characters grew and developed."

It occurred to me as I read that this is exactly how I want my relationship with Christ to be. Just as Mr. Borglum dug and hammered and learned about these men, I want to read the Word, pray for His will, and become engrossed in learning about Christ's character. Maybe in digging, learning, and praying, I will know Christ intimately and my life will eventually begin to imitate His. I have a long ways to go. A long, long, ways.

We heard several stories about the mistakes that were made along the way as the sculptors carved. If you look really closely, you will see big holes where chunks of stone were mistakenly chipped away. I suppose my life is a similar testimony. Even as I long to be a Christ imitator, I fail. There are big holes. Big, ugly discrepancies that I long to hide.

As I continually immerse myself in Him, I hope that the holes will become less and less visible. As I "grow in stature", I hope that when the Lord looks at me He will see mostly Himself. Like the artists longed for their sculpture to be perfect likeness to George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln, I long for my life to represent the perfectness of Jesus.

I hope that when all is said and done the discrepancies will be less visible than the beauty of Christ as He lived in me.

Silas Prays

I love to hear my children pray. Love it. Sometimes, I learn something that is on their hearts that I had no idea was burdening them. Sometimes, I'm amazed at the words that come out of their mouths.

Silas, especially, seems to have a gift for "Spirit-led" prayers. Recently, when at the home of sweet friends for dinner, Silas asked if he could say the blessing before the meal. His words were, "Lord, thank you for this house that is like a home and these people who are like family." What was amazing about these words was that Jeff and I had just signed on a house about 7 blocks away from this family and one reason why we liked the house was because of it's proximity to "Uncle" Curtis and "Auntie" Bernice.

Jeff and I had struggled quite a bit with whether or not we had made the right decision in buying this particular house. But, with those words, God- through Silas- confirmed to us that this is where we are supposed to be. We are a mere seven blocks away from "these people who are like family," and it absolutely thrills me!

We move in July 17. So, we will be homeowners! Please come and visit us. It is our goal that when you visit us, the words of Silas's prayer will be true for you, as well.

Seven Days

Seven days. That's how long I knew I was pregnant. I tried so hard not to get too emotional or attached. But, I did. How could I not? I thought about what it would be like to be big and pregnant. It's been seven years since I was big and pregnant! I looked, ever so briefly, at tiny little clothes in the shop windows. I admired other pregnant women and their round bellies. I was tempted a time or two to buy a cute maternity outfit. But, I held off.

The two pregnancies before this one, I also lost. One to an ectopic pregnancy and one to a miscarriage. In my head, and not necessarily out loud, I thought, "Third time's a charm!" But, it was not to be.

I have pondered God and His mysterious ways the last couple of days. Why did He allow me to get pregnant and then take it away from me again? I even prayed at the beginning that I would have all the normal signs of pregnancy so that I would know. I had it all- morning sickness, sore boobs, headaches, tiredness. But, God, in His infinite wisdom that I don't understand, took it away. And I'm strangely at peace. Sad, but peaceful.

I am thankful for my living and dining room that currently smell like a flower shop because of sweet friends who knew of our loss and sent flowers. I am thankful for a dear friend that came over when she found out I was miscarrying and made dinner while we laughed and cried over a bottle of wine. I am thankful for some other precious friends who came just to visit and weren't afraid of my unshowered, unkept self. I am thankful for a friend who allowed me to vent on the phone shortly after I found out I was losing the pregnancy and knew that I didn't mean what I was saying. She just listened and encouraged- no judgment.

I am thankful for my husband. He was away on business when it all started happening and had gone on a little shopping trip for the new baby. He bought a little onesie bearing the words, "I have the world's greatest dad." How sweet is that?

I am thankful for my three children. Sam, with his amazing smile and ability to know when all that is needed is a hug. Silas, with his hilarious charm that makes me laugh, and Selah, with her sassy cuteness. I am blessed to be mom of these three here on earth.

I have given myself the weekend to grieve. I have felt the need to clean- a lot. I have spent most of the last two days in my PJ's. I turned on worship music really loud this morning and cleaned in my pajamas while everyone else was at church. It was good.

So, I will cry over the loss of this sweet little life. But, I will rest in knowing that all three of my lost babies get to listen to the sweet voice of Jesus every day!

After my ectopic pregnancy I wrote a song called "Jesus Knows Your Name." I will leave you with the words that I have tried to sing, but can't quite get through without crying yet.

I dreamed about you, thought I saw your face as I held you in my arms.
Thought I saw you breath, thought I saw you smile, and I thought I saw your beating heart.
Some may say that you never had a soul, but I know:

Jesus knows your name, the one I never got to say.
He hears every prayer, the ones I never heard you pray.
Jesus knows your name. Jesus knows your name.

I cried for you, part of me died with you, and part of me came alive again.
I wrote a song for you- wish I could sing it to you, until I remember where you've been.
No song I could sing could be as nice as the ones you hear from Jesus every night.

Jesus knows your name, the one I never got to say.
He hears every prayer, the ones I never heard you pray.
Jesus knows your name. Jesus knows your name.

Better

I am feeling better and better every day. I am starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel and am realizing that perhaps my despair was more chemical than anything else. I won't go into details about the results of my blood work, but suffice to say, I am feeling better!

The Lord has sent me some awesome outlets that I am super excited about. One of them is that I get to be a part of a praise band. For those of you who know me well, you know that I thrive on music and I am thrilled to be playing with some very talented musicians right now. We lead our first worship service this Sunday evening and I am counting down the days.

Also, tomorrow evening, Jeff's boss is keeping our kids- ALL NIGHT!!! Now if THAT isn't an amazing boss, I don't know what is! Lori has two teenage daughters and an incredible husband and they offered for us to leave our kids all weekend long. We are going to let them for one night (we don't want to overwhelm them) and are super excited to have a night alone in our own house. Hmmmm......what EVER will we do?!?!?!?

And, God has sent me some awesome and wonderful women friends that I am so thankful for. One of them is Carrie. She recently moved here from the states and I simply LOVE having someone to talk to who really "gets" it. I mean REALLY gets it.

My precious friend, Brandi, has become so dear to me. Seriously, you should read her blog. She is hilarious and deep and compassionate and....well.....there are many things I appreciate this girl. I am thankful to be sitting at her feet and learning from her Godliness.

Jeff has continued to be wonderful and supportive. I sometimes wonder how he puts up with me. But, he does. And, he will.....because that's just the kind of guy he is. How blessed am I?

So, it's not that bad. It is not that bad. Calgary is actually a pretty darn cool city. Except for housing prices. Yeah. Housing prices in Calgary are not so cool. But, we still want visitors. Even if we're living in a shack- we'll make room. I promise. And I'll cook a really good meal or two to make up for the fact that you have to sleep on the floor.

I shouldn't feel like this

I warned you this was going to get personal.

I am in a rut right now that I can't seem to get out of. Am I depressed? Is it seasonal effectivness disorder? Is my thyroid out of whack? Perhaps, I am just a really selfish sinner. I honestly do not know but I would love to hear from any of you who have maybe struggled with depression.

I feel like I have no right to be like this. There is no reason for me to cry all the time. There are people who have real reasons to be sad.

To top it all off, Selah just came in to my room to tell me my boobs were "looking awfully big." And, "They're not growing down, Mommy. There just going up, up, up!" (And, before you ask, no, I am not pregnant.) Sad. So so sad. I will NOT cry over this. And I might even laugh.

Should I talk to a doctor? Am I going crazy? Should I be committed? Seriously......I would love to know.

The Truth

I'm having a hard time here in Calgary. A very hard time. I seriously want to come home, wherever that may be, and, yet, God, for reasons unbeknownst to me, is having us stay- permanently. Yes, that's right, the Lonard's are staying in Calgary.

Any time I've ever been to a new place before, I am able to get right in there and make new friends and feel as though I have some sort of network or support group. I thought I had that for a while, but things have changed recently and I am very aware of how woefully out of place I am.

I need to be able to come to my blog and read encouraging comments right now. I need to have a little control over who is reading- Lord knows I don't have much control over anything else.

Any good thing I ever thought about myself is being challenged. I'm not sure if it's from God or the Devil himself, but I am in desperate need of encouragement.

On Saturday, I was having some quiet time and crying out to God to send me some encouragers. Low and behold, the phone rang. It was my precious and amazing friend, Jill G. She called just to say Hi. And I poured out the story- the whole story that I can't write even here on a private blog- and she encouraged. Simply encouraged me. I love her and I love when God does stuff like that.

So, this blog that has served several different purposes during the course of it's life, is changing again. I am going to be posting a little more personal things. Things I am struggling with. It may be a little too much at times for some of you. This is a pretty dark time for me. When it's too much, just don't read. It won't hurt my feelings because I won't even know!

Thank you for reading and thank you for your prayers right now!

Going Private

Hello friends. I started this blog several years ago as we began the adoption process to chronicle our journey to Selah. Along the way, it has become a scrapbook of sorts, a place for me to vent, and, now, to share about our stay here in Calgary. I have appreciated your encouragement and your thoughts, whether agreeing or disagreeing, and this has always been a place for me to come to think. My thoughts, these days, are a bit more personal and I have decided to take my blog private. If you'd like to be a part of it, send me an e-mail at erin76@juno.com and I'll send you an invitation. Thank you very much, blog friends!