The one that my parents pretend I didn't write.
I've had something on my mind lately. It's really bugging me. It has to do with "relations" between a husband and a wife. Now, I am NOT afraid of the "s" word, believe me. But, I don't want to write it on this blog and receive unwanted visitors who may be searching for certain articles with the "s" word. So, please know that if you speak to me in person about this subject I am more than happy to use correct terminology, but, for now, on this blog, I will refer to the "s" word as "relations."
I help out with a group at our church called Moms and Tots. It's basically a bunch of moms who get together and have an hour or so of uninterrupted conversation while the kids are being babysat. When I asked the moms what sorts of topics they would like to talk about this year, guess what their first answer was? That's right- relations. Several moms said things along the lines of, "I just want to spice it up more and I want to talk about it openly and honestly in a non-raunchy sort of way."
I have several friends right now who are struggling in their marriages because of lack of relations. Either, it's never been fun or life has gotten in the way and there seems to be no time or energy for it.
I just think that God made relations, people. I think he made it for us to enjoy in our marriages! He didn't make it for us to dread or despise or withhold. He made it for our enjoyment! And I can't figure out why, if He made it for us to enjoy, it's such a taboo subject. I can't figure out why we don't talk about it more at church and with our small groups. I can't figure out why it seems to be such a shameful subject.
Having relations with your spouse is NOT shameful. It is not scandalous. It is a beautiful, amazing God- created gift. Not to mention the fact that it is a physical and emotional need!
I want to direct you to a Christian- based website that we (Jeff and I) have found to be very "helpful." It is called The Marriage Bed. LOVE this site!
For my sake and for others who read this blog and struggle in this area, I would love to hear your suggestions on ways to improve this part of our marriages. And, as always, please comment anonymously if you feel the need!
posted by erinlo at 2:39 PM
16 Comments:
I LOVE that you talked about "Relations!" I agree, something that women should encourage each other with knowledge and share struggles/solutions is relations!
heck ya!!
i heart relations!!!!
i definitely agree that we should not think of it as taboo...if God didn't want us to enjoy it, He wouldn't haven't created the "o" word ;)
'Relations'? 'S' word? What is this you speak of? J/K. I should tell you about the 'relations' conversations Carrie & I have had (not about having relations together though of course! Did I actually need to clarify that!! LOL).
Relations - absolutely a God-given blessing! What I find more women struggle with is making time for it and I would love to hear how some women do that. I have some suggestions, but definitely a conversation, perhaps a group "brainstorm" if you will, would be helpful. If you ever have a relation improving pow-wow, let me know!
Nicola
If I could EVER FIND a man to marry, I would be more than thrilled to talk about relations with you all. ;)
Here's my problem: I hate "relations." Hate it. I've never enjoyed it. And I've been married a while. I think my husband has turned to other things. I wish I knew where to go for help. How do I learn to like it?
Oh dear! <----- That comment of mine is directed to Anonymous #2, the one who hates relations and always has.
Wowza, sister. I cannot tell you how sorry I am to hear you say that. I can guarantee you that you God did not create it to be that way.
That being said, your experience says otherwise, huh? May I speak to you as an older, (age 47) maybe wiser, woman?
Wait. Maybe before I do that, I will ask for Erin's permission to speak freely and for yours (since you don't know me).
Erin? Is it OK for me to add my thoughts here? Anonymous? What do you think?
In the interest of full disclosure, I should offer that I do not know Erin IRL, but did follow her adoption of sweet Selah and ::coughcough:: offered unsolicited advice then, too! LOL
I will wait and check back to hear from Erin and Annie #2. :)
Terynn!!! You do not even need to ask me for permission!! PLEASE speak, woman! I would love to "sit at your feet." Looking forward to reading what you have to say.
And, anonymous, I am praying for ya, sister!
Terryn, I wouldn't mind at all. I would like to hear your thoughts. I'm pretty open to any ideas at all. -Anonymous #2
Thanks, Erin and Annie (Anonymous #2)!
I am sorry for the delayed reply; we drove home from Colorado last night and I was at work all day. Phew.
Now, on to GirlFriend Time!! I think I would like to start by chatting with you (Annie) first, much like I would if she and I were doing lunch or coffee.
So, Annie, I guess I would like to start by saying I am so glad to meet you...not even kidding. What an honor to be able to share your life; what an honor to be able to walk alongside you for awhile. Thanks.
I will just start with the words you left the other night, OK?
>>>>>Here's my problem: I hate "relations." Hate it.<<<<<
Annie, you refer to this as a "problem". And I would have to agree that hating relations is a problem. For you. For your husband. For your marriage. You even say it twice, for emphasis. That's a whole lotta 'hate'. I'm sad about that for you.
>>>>>I've never enjoyed it. And I've been married a while.<<<<<
Could you tell me more about this statement, please?
(And as a forewarning, I will be asking some questions that are very personal. Obviously, you do not need to answer ANYTHING that is over the line, but know that I ask with pure intentions.
If you do not wish to answer, especially here, don't. But maybe please pray through these things and see where you are led. And/or you could email me privately. Deal?)
So, you have never enjoyed it (relations), right? I am wondering if that really means 'ever'? Had you had relations prior to marriage---other partners, or premarital relations with your now husband? If so, were relations better under those circumstances?
If the answer is 'yes', then that leads us in a certain direction.
If the answer is no (either because with other partners, relations were still 'hated' or because premarital relations with your now husband were not any better than they are now), then that leads us in a different direction.
***Overall, I guess my question is...has there ever been a time, under any circumstances, that relations were better?***
Again, dear Annie, do not feel the need to say much more than 'yes' or 'no' to the last question. I added in other information/details, just to get us headed in one direction or another.
Once you've had a chance to process and answer, we'll take the next step. I look forward to continuing our chat.
I pray God's blessings to and upon you, Annie.
I believe God created husband & wife to be "one", which requires two to move towards one another, not apart!
For better or for worse...
For richer or for pooer...
In sickness and in health...
In other words, we can be happy and fulfilled in all circumstances, just like Paul was in Christ.
Great "relation" is reliant on great communication, honor, submission, honesty, integrity, common interests and most of all common focus on heavenly things.
Few of us begin marriage with these attributes or even know much at all about them.
We need to help eachother learn and grow in all relationships.
Marriage can be greatly rewarding or most miserable and painful depending on which direction we are headed!
Now to compare marriage to "Jesus and His church"...this is talking about the heart of things for all of us!
What great gifts and blessings He has given us!
Don't allow the world to influence you in your precious, lifelong relation! The world's concepts are full of lies, deception and fear.
Carnal (not spiritual; merely human; temporal; worldly) relation consists of things, looks, youth, pleasure, selfishness, deception, temporary satisfaction which produce fear.
God's way brings heart love, fulfillment and eternal life!
Thank You Jesus for allowing us to be restored to Your original plan for man & woman!
sm
Love what you said, SM. Thanks!!! (Having a great time with your kids, BTW!)
Terynn- I'm working on "anonymous". Hoping she'll open up! Thanks for taking the time to respond.
Whoops..."poorer" not "pooer"!
Didn't mean to make a funny!
Glad to hear you guys are having a blast! Be safe!
sm
Congrats Erin for going out on the limb. And your right in saying that "relations" are important in a marriage. God has given each person an identity and that sometimes allows each person to have a stronger need. With women that tends to wain between children, hormones, menopause, but in no way should you never want to find out more why things aren't working out. As a couple we must always remember that our spouse has needs as well and that we sometimes have to find other ways to fullfill each other. In His Needs Her Needs we learn that sometimes talking can go a long way. The emotional piggy bank is always waiting for deposits rather than withdrawls. If you ever talk to couples that have been married 50+ years they will say that they are best of friends, make their spouses # 1 in their life and have commitment to the marriage. Something that we all know takes lots of work to keep it healthy and alive. But don't give up, view it as a rest and a need to get a tune up and remember the earlier years that kept you so "alive" with each other.
Gerri
A good book on "relations" is: "Intimate Issues"....I can't remember who the author is, but my neighbor actually leads a group of women on this subject.
It's not about "I'll do this for him...." Nothing could be more hurtful. Our husbands need to know we desire them like we need to know they think we are desirable. What if he just stopped noticing? :(
The Intimite Issues ladies are Lorraine Pintus and Linda Dillow, and they have a great audio series, done on Family Life Today, I think, that you can order or download.
I had a great chat with Erin about this subject a couple of weeks ago in Montana (it feels cool just to say it!), and I was telling her about a rockin-awesome article I read awhile back. The lady who wrote this article was saying that she used to have such a hard time with 'relations' because of all the pressure put on American women to measure up to a certain physical standard, which, of course, no one can. She felt embarrassed because her breasts weren't perfectly sized or shaped, her tummy jiggled, her butt wasn't thongalicious, and for pete's sake, the act was really kind of gross and messy.
Then it hit her: human bodies secrete funky fluids from all over the place, they're shaped funny, real bodies are fatty and loose and hairy and make funny noises from time to time. They're not these sanitized trash novel bodies of perfection, and this realization made all the difference in the world to her. She realized that her husband truly didn't give one iota of a rip if she had shaven her armpits that day or if she'd been using the ab-roller religiously--he just wanted to have some fun!
Once she quit trying to hide, in the dark, under the covers, behind a bath robe, and learned to loosen up and enjoy herself and laugh at the comical moments instead of being horrified by them, a whole new dimension opened up for her and her husband.
Now, that's not to say that we should just let ourselves go and not try to be as desirable as we can for our mates, but there are plenty of us out there who, despite our best efforts, have been dealt bodies of imperfection, maybe even of damage. I can tell you that 5 births of extremely large babies has done a heck of a number on my abdomen, and I'll never be the same, but somehow my Hubby doesn't even seem to notice, even as I'm lamenting to the mirror how horrific I look.
And I don't mean to over-simplify the issue--there are plenty of issues that play into the intimacy between a man and a woman, and it's sometimes a very tricky dance. It can come from past abuses, emotional scars, relational dysfunction, even hormonal imbalances or physiological hindrances. But we were created for this, or rather, this was create for us, and I think it's clear from the Good Book that Someone wanted us to enjoy ourselves and be connected in this and many other ways with our spouses.
I think it's time for the puritanical mythos of the Victorian age be put to rest...if Solomon wasn't afraid to talk about it, if Paul wasn't afraid to talk about it, why should we be?
--Teri.
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