The Truth

I'm having a hard time here in Calgary. A very hard time. I seriously want to come home, wherever that may be, and, yet, God, for reasons unbeknownst to me, is having us stay- permanently. Yes, that's right, the Lonard's are staying in Calgary.

Any time I've ever been to a new place before, I am able to get right in there and make new friends and feel as though I have some sort of network or support group. I thought I had that for a while, but things have changed recently and I am very aware of how woefully out of place I am.

I need to be able to come to my blog and read encouraging comments right now. I need to have a little control over who is reading- Lord knows I don't have much control over anything else.

Any good thing I ever thought about myself is being challenged. I'm not sure if it's from God or the Devil himself, but I am in desperate need of encouragement.

On Saturday, I was having some quiet time and crying out to God to send me some encouragers. Low and behold, the phone rang. It was my precious and amazing friend, Jill G. She called just to say Hi. And I poured out the story- the whole story that I can't write even here on a private blog- and she encouraged. Simply encouraged me. I love her and I love when God does stuff like that.

So, this blog that has served several different purposes during the course of it's life, is changing again. I am going to be posting a little more personal things. Things I am struggling with. It may be a little too much at times for some of you. This is a pretty dark time for me. When it's too much, just don't read. It won't hurt my feelings because I won't even know!

Thank you for reading and thank you for your prayers right now!

Going Private

Hello friends. I started this blog several years ago as we began the adoption process to chronicle our journey to Selah. Along the way, it has become a scrapbook of sorts, a place for me to vent, and, now, to share about our stay here in Calgary. I have appreciated your encouragement and your thoughts, whether agreeing or disagreeing, and this has always been a place for me to come to think. My thoughts, these days, are a bit more personal and I have decided to take my blog private. If you'd like to be a part of it, send me an e-mail at erin76@juno.com and I'll send you an invitation. Thank you very much, blog friends!

My Mother-in-Law

February 20 is my sweet mother-in-law, Carol's, birthday. Today, I would like to honor her. Besides the fact that she is mother to my husband and obviously did an amazing job, Carol has become a cherished friend and mentor. I am so thankful for our relationship.

Carol is an amazing grandmother. My children adore her. She learned that Sam loves to play games, so she plays games with him. She learned that Silas likes to eat donuts, so she gets him donuts. She learned that Selah loves playing princesses and Carol can often be found playing pretend with her.

I appreciate the fact that Carol raised Jeff to be so hard-working and reliable. These are some of my favorite qualities in Jeff and I know they were instilled by his parents.

I take my last name very seriously. It is my desire to live up to it's heritage and the example that others who bear this name have set for me.

Thank you, Carol, for putting up with me. Thank you for Jeff. And thank you for the amazing woman that you are!

Dangerous Prayer

I want to pray a dangerous prayer.
But fear keeps me from going there.
What if I'm lead to places unknown?
Or You lead me far from the comforts of home?
What if you take me from things I hold near?
Or take from me people I hold so dear?

I'm afraid where You'll lead me
I'm afraid You won't need me
In the places that I think are best.
Though I know where You take me
You will not forsake me
Though I may be put to the test.

I want to pray a dangerous prayer
But fear keeps me from going there.
What if You lead me to enemy hands?
Or give me a message no one understands?
What if I'm with those who want nothing to do
With hearing about a Love that is true?

I'm afraid where You'll lead me
I'm afraid You won't need me
In the places that I think are best.
But I know where you take me
You will not forsake me.
Though I may be put to the test.

I want to pray a dangerous prayer.
But fear keeps me from going there.

Meal-taker

I have realized something about myself in the last few weeks. And I am sharing with you because I am curious if any of you are fellow "meal-takers."

What I mean is this: I am a "meal- taker." When I don't know what to do or say to someone, I take them a meal. I have organized several "meal-taking events" for different families and it may seem like a sweet and selfless thing to do. However, I have come to see it as somewhat selfish and a weakness of mine.

I'd like to be one of those people that has loads of wisdom to bestow on my fellow sister or brother who is grieving or having a rough go of it. I'd like to be the one who can just show up and make someone laugh with all my charm and wittiness. I wish I was the one who could sit and listen- really really listen to someone who needed a shoulder to cry on.

But, I'm awkward sometimes. I don't know what to say. I'm only funny to a certain few who know me well. And I really only take the time to listen when it's convenient for me.

Most of the time, it's easy to cook a meal, though. It's easy to cook a little extra for someone when I'm cooking for my own family anyway. It's convenient to send out an e-mail asking for others to do the same.

Recently, there have been some who have said, "You are so sweet, Erin, to do this for us." And I smile and say, "It was nothing, really." But, what I don't think they understand is that it really WAS nothing. It was the easy thing to do. It was the only thing I knew to do.

I'm not saying that being a "meal-taker" is a bad thing, by any means. I will probably continue to be a "meal taker." But, I deeply admire and respect those who don't need to be "meal-takers" because they know that just being there is enough, even if they are empty-handed. How I long to be one of you!

Someday, I will be one of you. I will be the one who knows just what to say or when not to speak at all. But, for now until I learn better, I will be the "meal-taker."