Seven Days

Seven days. That's how long I knew I was pregnant. I tried so hard not to get too emotional or attached. But, I did. How could I not? I thought about what it would be like to be big and pregnant. It's been seven years since I was big and pregnant! I looked, ever so briefly, at tiny little clothes in the shop windows. I admired other pregnant women and their round bellies. I was tempted a time or two to buy a cute maternity outfit. But, I held off.

The two pregnancies before this one, I also lost. One to an ectopic pregnancy and one to a miscarriage. In my head, and not necessarily out loud, I thought, "Third time's a charm!" But, it was not to be.

I have pondered God and His mysterious ways the last couple of days. Why did He allow me to get pregnant and then take it away from me again? I even prayed at the beginning that I would have all the normal signs of pregnancy so that I would know. I had it all- morning sickness, sore boobs, headaches, tiredness. But, God, in His infinite wisdom that I don't understand, took it away. And I'm strangely at peace. Sad, but peaceful.

I am thankful for my living and dining room that currently smell like a flower shop because of sweet friends who knew of our loss and sent flowers. I am thankful for a dear friend that came over when she found out I was miscarrying and made dinner while we laughed and cried over a bottle of wine. I am thankful for some other precious friends who came just to visit and weren't afraid of my unshowered, unkept self. I am thankful for a friend who allowed me to vent on the phone shortly after I found out I was losing the pregnancy and knew that I didn't mean what I was saying. She just listened and encouraged- no judgment.

I am thankful for my husband. He was away on business when it all started happening and had gone on a little shopping trip for the new baby. He bought a little onesie bearing the words, "I have the world's greatest dad." How sweet is that?

I am thankful for my three children. Sam, with his amazing smile and ability to know when all that is needed is a hug. Silas, with his hilarious charm that makes me laugh, and Selah, with her sassy cuteness. I am blessed to be mom of these three here on earth.

I have given myself the weekend to grieve. I have felt the need to clean- a lot. I have spent most of the last two days in my PJ's. I turned on worship music really loud this morning and cleaned in my pajamas while everyone else was at church. It was good.

So, I will cry over the loss of this sweet little life. But, I will rest in knowing that all three of my lost babies get to listen to the sweet voice of Jesus every day!

After my ectopic pregnancy I wrote a song called "Jesus Knows Your Name." I will leave you with the words that I have tried to sing, but can't quite get through without crying yet.

I dreamed about you, thought I saw your face as I held you in my arms.
Thought I saw you breath, thought I saw you smile, and I thought I saw your beating heart.
Some may say that you never had a soul, but I know:

Jesus knows your name, the one I never got to say.
He hears every prayer, the ones I never heard you pray.
Jesus knows your name. Jesus knows your name.

I cried for you, part of me died with you, and part of me came alive again.
I wrote a song for you- wish I could sing it to you, until I remember where you've been.
No song I could sing could be as nice as the ones you hear from Jesus every night.

Jesus knows your name, the one I never got to say.
He hears every prayer, the ones I never heard you pray.
Jesus knows your name. Jesus knows your name.