Inside My Head
(I have really struggled with whether or not to post the following, as it is quite personal information. But, because I know there are many out there in my blog world who suffer form chemical depression, I decided to go ahead.)
You're not really depressed, Erin. Look at you and how good your life is! You have a great husband, awesome kids, sweet friends.....WHAT do you have to be sad about? You don't need half of some silly white pill to balance the chemicals in your brain. Silly girl. What would the world think if they knew that the contentment and happiness they see on the outside is basically a sham? It's all due to a dumb little pill that you don't really need. Be done with it. Lean on the Lord more. You'll be fine.
One week later.....
See, you're fine. You can do this. Relationships are still good. God is still in control. You're still in control. Who the heck told you you needed medication?
Two weeks later.......
Alright, so you lost it. No biggie. Everyone loses it every once in a while. You're crying a lot. But, isn't it just because of current circumstances? It has nothing to do with being imbalanced. It has everything to do with the fact that you are not relying on God enough. You just need to pray more. PRAY, damn it. Just pray.
A few days later.........
Did you see that, self? She just totally gave you a dirty look. Just as you thought. She hates you. And why wouldn't she? What is there to love? Look at you. You're ugly on the inside and out. You don't pray
enough. You don't rely on God enough. You cant even keep your household together. Oh, look, she's glaring at you again. And so is the lady sitting next to her. They're talking about you. What did you do now? Did you say something stupid again? You know you're always offending people. You're stupid. What made you think you could be a good mom? Jeff is only staying with you because he feels sorry for you and because he REALLY loves the Lord and depends on Him for strength. Strength to stay with you. Lord knows he needs it.
I can't do this, Lord. Why do I think I can do this? Lord, are you there? Show me what to do. Show me how to make this right. The pill? That stupid pill? That's all I need? Must I be so dependent on that pill? Can't you be enough, God? Ok! I'm desperate. I'll take it, ok? 'll take the damn pill.
A week or so later.......
Wow. Why didn't I just stay on it? I can do this. See, God, I can do this! I love you, Lord! I love you, Jeff! I love you, my children. Blessed. That's what I am.
Blessed.
You're not really depressed, Erin. Look at you and how good your life is! You have a great husband, awesome kids, sweet friends.....WHAT do you have to be sad about? You don't need half of some silly white pill to balance the chemicals in your brain. Silly girl. What would the world think if they knew that the contentment and happiness they see on the outside is basically a sham? It's all due to a dumb little pill that you don't really need. Be done with it. Lean on the Lord more. You'll be fine.
One week later.....
See, you're fine. You can do this. Relationships are still good. God is still in control. You're still in control. Who the heck told you you needed medication?
Two weeks later.......
Alright, so you lost it. No biggie. Everyone loses it every once in a while. You're crying a lot. But, isn't it just because of current circumstances? It has nothing to do with being imbalanced. It has everything to do with the fact that you are not relying on God enough. You just need to pray more. PRAY, damn it. Just pray.
A few days later.........
Did you see that, self? She just totally gave you a dirty look. Just as you thought. She hates you. And why wouldn't she? What is there to love? Look at you. You're ugly on the inside and out. You don't pray
enough. You don't rely on God enough. You cant even keep your household together. Oh, look, she's glaring at you again. And so is the lady sitting next to her. They're talking about you. What did you do now? Did you say something stupid again? You know you're always offending people. You're stupid. What made you think you could be a good mom? Jeff is only staying with you because he feels sorry for you and because he REALLY loves the Lord and depends on Him for strength. Strength to stay with you. Lord knows he needs it.
I can't do this, Lord. Why do I think I can do this? Lord, are you there? Show me what to do. Show me how to make this right. The pill? That stupid pill? That's all I need? Must I be so dependent on that pill? Can't you be enough, God? Ok! I'm desperate. I'll take it, ok? 'll take the damn pill.
A week or so later.......
Wow. Why didn't I just stay on it? I can do this. See, God, I can do this! I love you, Lord! I love you, Jeff! I love you, my children. Blessed. That's what I am.
Blessed.
posted by erinlo at 8:20 PM
18 Comments:
no one ever wants to be honest about how they really feel because they think everyone will judge them. but when they are honest (like you were in this blog) they usually find out that they are not alone! all of those negative things that you tell yourself sounded eerily familiar to some things that often go through my own head. i am so glad to know that i am not alone.
you are wonderful and i love you! thank you for being real and honest.
I don't want you to know who I am, but wanted you to know I know exactly what you are talking about. Thank you for putting in to words exactly what I go through every few weeks. I hate my pill. And I love my pill, too.
Erin,
Thank you so much for writing this post. I never wrote out my thoughts before I started taking my little pink pill, but I remember very clearly a lot of these same things running through my brain.
I have been on my pill for about 2 years. I *think* my trigger was some stuff going on in my family at that time. I'm in the first week of trying to wean off the pills. To see if I could be ok without them. I don't want to rely on a pill to regulate my brain. But if that is what I need, then I will gladly praise God that he gave the skills to the doctors to figure out how to help me....and you....and so many others......
Oh, honey, the thoughts in your head don't scare me. Someday I'll be as brave as you and write what goes on in my head... pretty sure the world ain't ready for that, yet. Thanks for sharing. I always feel better knowing I'm not the only one.
please don't be ashamed of what you feel is best and helps you to be the person you want to be, which i know includes being a great wife and mom. it must be hard, but i thank you so much for sharing with us. you are an inspiration to us all.
Thank you for being real. This world needs more people like my sweet buddy, Erin!! Love ya :)
SO glad you shared this, Erin!!! You are NOT alone, sister!!!! May the Lord restore you fully!!! with much love!
Such a good post...
You know I've experienced depression, too, so I totally understand that. Wondering why I can't get it together when everyone else can! I know how you feel. I take thyroid medication every day because I need it, and I wouldn't think of not taking it. I'm not sure why depression meds have a stigma when other ones don't. Your body needs it. Love you, friend.
I appreciate your honesty and telling the readers what is really going on. I think that as women we are afraid to admit this and want to get help or even more afraid to ask for help. You are a great woman facing many challenges of raising a family; being a supportive wife; and now moving to an unknown place to start all over again. But somehow I know that you can do it and we will all miss you but we will always be here to support you. Love you - Gerri
I totally take happy pills. I started (again) a few months back and noticeable differences include:
improved sleep, improved ability to relate to others, improved ability yo complete tasks, like read a book or a household project, buying gifts, sending cards. I can pray better, hear God better, love my husband and friends better.
I tried (very hard) to just get happy and count my blessings and put on my big girl panties and deal. No go. It got so bad, I didn't even care to try to get better, til God really kicked my in the pants. ha
If you had asthma, you'd have an inhaler. If you were diabetic, you'd have insulin. Depression is a chemical imbalance. Take the happy pill (unless advised my your trusted physician to stop). It's ok.
Glad you're feeling better. Keep up the transparent life.
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ERIN!!!(Insert what you know is inside my head here:) Love you girl!
I know its horrible to depend on something to make you do what should come normally.
I wear an insulin pump to live, hearing aids to hear, (use to wear) contacts to see, and yes, take a pill to get me sanely through each day.
It. sucks.
I thank God that I live in this day and age where all these wonderful medical advances are available to me. I would not have had children or survived 50 years ago.
Thank you for writing this, Erin. I know you have battled with this before and am glad to hear you have embraced your little white pill again. Just as my family is better because of it, I know yours is as well.
Dear Erin, I appreciate you being willing and able to reveal what many suffer in secret. I wonder why we women subscribe to the "gotta have it together, put on my happy face syndrome." Years ago if I had put on my sad face, my marriage would have gotten help instead of failing so dismally. Good for you, honest woman. Love you.
Joan.
We think you and your family are just great people! Whether you are up/down on/off clean/messy sad/happy - any way we are blessed to be your friends! See you in Denver this year. We'll treat you to Zolo's in Boulder.
--Joe & Cathy
Erin- thanks for sharing your heart, your mind with me. YOU are a blessing to me and I love you!
May you continue to be blessed in every way as you point others to Jesus in everyway! He is magnified in you...and He is beautiful! I love seeing His heart in your words!
Hi Erin-
I read your blog LONG ago when I started our adoption journey from Vietnam... and lost track of you along the way...thank you for writing this post...
I am glad to have found you again.
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