On finding birth parents
After a conversation with a fellow adoptive mother today whom I love dearly, I was wondering what the rest of you (esp. the adoption community) think about adoptive parents finding birth parents while adopted children are still young? I honestly have no opinion at this point. I didn't know it was even a possibility for us to find Selah's birth parents, but, apparently, we have that choice. Just curious what everyone else is thinking and why you're thinking it.............
posted by erinlo at 4:44 PM
10 Comments:
I would love to find Luke's birth parents. We contacted Dillon when we began the domestic adoption process since we will most likely have an open adoption so he would have some info. At this point we've just sent a letter and pictures to be placed in his file in case his birthmom would come look.
We've considered it, mostly because we think Reagan may be curious some day and by then it might be too late to track her birth family down. I know at least 2 other Dillon Vietnam families have done it successfully (I think despite protests by Dillon - not sure why). The main thing that has held us back is cost. It would probably be about $1000, and we just aren't willing to spend that right now. If you hear of other Ninh Thuan families that are interested though, perhaps we could get together and split the cost, since most of it is related to travel.
I'll write this as anonymous since I don't want all to find out this info. I am a birth mother. I had a child at a very young age and I lovingly placed him for adoption. I'm sure some of the situation is different because yours is not domestic. However, the birth mother may not be comfortable with "being found". It may open up old wounds. Some family members may not know she had a child that was placed for adoption. I agree it may be important for the adopted child to have this information and to prevent any abandonment issues. But, some adoptions are not pulic info for various reasons. Just something to consider.
We technically have an open adoption plan with Corban's birthmother. We started off knowing how to get a hold of her, sent her letters and pics every month and she knows our address, etc. But at a year, she told us she didn't want any more contact b/c it was difficult and that she understood that Corban was well-cared for. We felt then and feel now that that really is up to her and we have honored that decision.
Of course, Corban is still pretty young (3 1/2) so she doesn't understand anything about this (although we do talk about it). If she wants to find her at some point when she's older, that's something we'll have think about.
Some of the advice we received from our agency was this -- it is better for you relationship with your child if you are NOT the one who cuts off any chance of finding out more about the birthparents because it's seen as you being secretive, etc. And it can make the child feel that there is something shameful about being placed for adoption when there certainly isn't, whatever the circumstances.
I think I'm not alone in saying that it's a scary thought for many of us adoptive moms (especially domestic) that our child will one day as a form of rebellion or maybe even pure curiosity want to find their "real" mom (their words) but I pray all the time that I will be prepared for that day and will have the confidence in myself as a mom and trust God to help me lay the groundwork for a trusting and loving relationship with my daughter that can handle that situation.
Wow, that's a good question!
My situation is not quite the same as what you're talking about...I grew up not knowing my biological father. When he found out my mom was pregnant, he left her. A couple years later, when my mom married 'my dad', he adopted me and raised me as his own child. My mom told me about that when I was about 13 or 14...and naturally, I had curiosities about about what my biological other half looked like, if we had similar traits, etc, but I never had any inkling to look for him, search him out, ask my family about he and mom when they were dating, etc. As far as I'm concerned, although he was young back then, he still made that choice...and it's kinda his loss, cuz I can be pretty awesome sometimes :)
Luke's birthmom was a teenager when she had him. We have a letter she wrote in the hospital that says she was born in the house she was still living in. We can only assume her family has always lived there and will for a long time. We have that address and will someday travel and stand in front of that house.
A few years back, there was a huge explosion at the Ukrainian coal mine where Luke's birth grandfather and father work. I was shocked at how much it bothered me. I think that was when I realized I do want to contact his birth family and hope when the time is right, God will let things fall into place accordingly.
This is a tough one. As an adoptee, I always wanted to search and find out the truth. My older brother (also adopted) had zero desire to search. Is there a way that you could search and then just keep the information in a safe place until she expresses a desire? Of course, the anonymous birth mother also has an excellent point that the birth mother may not want to be contacted, especially if the adoption was a secret. Difficult issue with no easy answers. Good luck!
We're debating now, too. Dillon's reasons for not searching were because there might be things we don't want to know. I'd like more information from them as to what those things might be. Especially since our youngest was an open adoption, I would like Loston to have pictures, at least. I don't know. There are many many factors to consider. In today's world, though, I'm not sure the argument of "too late to track them down" holds up. Especially in a socialist country.
We are searching through Dillon....Just put in our preliminary request. I would only use them since Thomas has tremendous compassion and would not do anything to upset a birth mom. Both boys know (well, that is relative for a baby and toddler) and see their birth moms, so we feel this is important for Sarah.
Thanks, guys, for all the feedback on this! I wanted to esp. thank the anonymous birth mother who posted. I really really appreciate hearing from you, whoever you are!!
I love our adoption community and that we can share our experiences and thoughts on things like this!!
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