Inside My Head

(I have really struggled with whether or not to post the following, as it is quite personal information. But, because I know there are many out there in my blog world who suffer form chemical depression, I decided to go ahead.)

You're not really depressed, Erin. Look at you and how good your life is! You have a great husband, awesome kids, sweet friends.....WHAT do you have to be sad about? You don't need half of some silly white pill to balance the chemicals in your brain. Silly girl. What would the world think if they knew that the contentment and happiness they see on the outside is basically a sham? It's all due to a dumb little pill that you don't really need. Be done with it. Lean on the Lord more. You'll be fine.

One week later.....

See, you're fine. You can do this. Relationships are still good. God is still in control. You're still in control. Who the heck told you you needed medication?

Two weeks later.......

Alright, so you lost it. No biggie. Everyone loses it every once in a while. You're crying a lot. But, isn't it just because of current circumstances? It has nothing to do with being imbalanced. It has everything to do with the fact that you are not relying on God enough. You just need to pray more. PRAY, damn it. Just pray.

A few days later.........

Did you see that, self? She just totally gave you a dirty look. Just as you thought. She hates you. And why wouldn't she? What is there to love? Look at you. You're ugly on the inside and out. You don't pray
enough. You don't rely on God enough. You cant even keep your household together. Oh, look, she's glaring at you again. And so is the lady sitting next to her. They're talking about you. What did you do now? Did you say something stupid again? You know you're always offending people. You're stupid. What made you think you could be a good mom? Jeff is only staying with you because he feels sorry for you and because he REALLY loves the Lord and depends on Him for strength. Strength to stay with you. Lord knows he needs it.

I can't do this, Lord. Why do I think I can do this? Lord, are you there? Show me what to do. Show me how to make this right. The pill? That stupid pill? That's all I need? Must I be so dependent on that pill? Can't you be enough, God? Ok! I'm desperate. I'll take it, ok? 'll take the damn pill.

A week or so later.......

Wow. Why didn't I just stay on it? I can do this. See, God, I can do this! I love you, Lord! I love you, Jeff! I love you, my children. Blessed. That's what I am.

Blessed.