Dry Spell

I'm finding it difficult to think of subjects worthy of blogging lately. I've thought of a few and even written a few, but quickly deleted them.

I'm struggling with several things recently and feel as though my life, in general, is a bit of a desert at the moment. Dry.

I love my children and husband. I love the Lord. (And I'm still mostly Paleo!)

One of the downfalls in having a public blog is that there are so many things I can't write about, for fear of offending certain ones who read. If I could control my readership there is so much more I would say!

I want to be real and transparent. I think that is a gift God has given me. But, I can't be completely real to everyone. So, I'm struggling with this blog. It' been a part of my life for over six years! I'm not quite ready to say, "Good-bye."

I just want to say thanks for reading. I have read through past posts recently and been so encouraged by the number of sweet comments I've received over the years. Whether you were commenting on our adoption, or one of my rants, or one of my silly questions, the discussion was good and thought provoking. Thanks for that.

I'm not sure where this blog will go or if it will continue. In th meantime, thanks for being my friend. Whether I know you personally or through "blogland", you have blessed me and I have learned from every one of you.

Saying Bye to "B"

There was an uncle. He was the young, cool, hip uncle that all the nieces and nephews wanted to hang out with. His name was Brian, but affectionately became known as "B". He was a bit wild, a little crazy, and extremely endearing.

He lived a different lifestyle than most of us. He was a musician. He was a song writer. He wasn't famous, at least to most people. But, he was famous in the town he lived in and to those who loved him. He loved his tiny cabin on a plot of land he saved for years to buy.
                                                                              
He had some girlfriends over the years, but only one stole his heart. They were married a couple of years before she realized that B would never be the B she hoped she could change him to be. But, oh, how she loved who B was.

We all loved who B was. For, our Uncle B was filled with love. He never pretended to be something he wasn't, he was simply B. And, simply put, he was easy to love.
                                                  
To my mother and aunt and uncle, he was a loyal brother. He was their baby brother, eleven years younger than the oldest. To my grandma, just her baby.

To his nieces and nephews, he was the cool young uncle. He took us to gigs. He made us get up and sing with him. He told us we were good. And we knew he loved us.

Mid-January of this year, B was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer at the age of 49. Although we're all pretty certain he wanted to die alone, God knew best. God knew B needed us and we needed him in the last hours of his life.
                                            
True to the legacy of B,our family pulled together for one of the most evident displays of love I have ever witnessed. As we gathered around his bed and sang songs that we weren't sure he could hear, the tears flowed. The "children" watched as our parents cried and spoke words like, "I'm proud to be your sister," and, "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you more". Broken. All of us.

But, it was through our brokenness that long needed conversations were spoken. Apprehensive "side" hugs became big engulfing hugs. Laughter- deep laughter. Tears- from deep grief. All of it beautiful.
                                           
The memorial service was not in a church, but rather by the river. A "BYOLC" it was. (bring your own lawn chair) B's friends came. For some of them, the service was also BYOB and that was OK.

My dad wore a t-shirt, jeans, and sandals and spoke a beautiful, quick message about how well B loved people and how God is love so B, in turn, was filled with God. There was a few "Amen's", but more "Right On's!" And that was OK. There were memories shared and songs sung, but mostly there was love. So, in turn, there was God.

(First picture of B and my mom, courtesy of my sister, Amanda. The rest of the photos are courtesy of my very talented cousin, Teri.)

Still Paleo-ing

Well, I've been a horrible blogger. I am still doing Paleo (although I'm allowing myself to "cheat" now and then) and I still feel better than I have in a really long time. I am Crossfitting at least 3 times a week, but trying for five. I am seeing results, not in my weight, but in my strength and pant size.

One of the things that I realize I spend too much time worrying about is the scale. When you're working really hard and eating so well, you want to see the numbers on that scale go down! But, when you're building muscle along side of eating well, the scale does not always go down quickly. So, I'm going by pant size and how my clothes feel. I'm almost down two pant sizes!

Someday, I will show my "before" pictures. They are NOT pretty. I will only show them, however, when I have some awesome "after" pictures. And I'm not quite there yet.

I saw two people today who I haven't seen in a while. Both asked me what I was doing to lose so much weight. I told them that I, technically, hadn't really lost that much and went on to talk about Paleo. It feels good when people notice.

In other news, I can now kick Jeff's rear. So, he's been extra nice to me! Love that boy.